In general, stereotypes are a bad thing; we all know this. However, when it comes to the crazy hose-beast a woman can turn into when she has her period, I fit every one of those to a T. And god help you if there’s nothing sweet and/or salty in the house.
During my most recent bout of uterine wall-sloughing, I was struck with the craving for Salt & Straw’s Chocolate with Gooey Brownies. This stuff is seriously tits. The chocolate base is creamy with a deep, cocoa flavor and a hint of salt. It’s not overly sweet or cloying, letting the cocoa take center stage.
And then there are the brownies. Sweet Jesus, the brownie pieces. I swear, it’s almost like they’re still warm. They taste like the best box brownies you’ve ever had, only better.
Sadly, my trips to Salt & Straw are few and far between, thanks to the stupidly-long lines and crowded shops. Frankly, it’s just not worth it (but just barely). So I decided to take charge and make my own version. I eschewed Hershey for Ghirardelli (I think it has a more mature flavor profile), but you can use whatever your little heart desires. Hell, you can really class it up and use a gourmet brand if it blows your skirt up.
The end result is, dare I say, just as good (maybe even better) than S&S’s. Because I’m trying to watch my sugar intake (which is hilarious, since this is a fucking ice cream recipe), I used less than what the recipes called for. It didn’t really mess with the ice cream base, but it did result in a crumblier brownie (less sugar = less moisture). Oh, and I was a fucktard and baked them at 350 instead of 325, so that also explains the crumbs. GO ME! My brownie pieces aren’t as dense or fudgey as the ones Salt & Straw uses, but they use marshmallow fluff in their recipe. Also, on that note, you don’t have to use the brownie recipe I’ve provided. You could use a box mix and you’d be fine (it would be sweeter).
Ice Cream Base
(adapted from Cuisinart’s recipe book)
- 3/4 c. cocoa powder
- 1/2 c. sugar [I used about 1/8 c.]
- 1/3 c. brown sugar (packed) [I used about 1/4 c.]
- pinch of salt
- 1 c. whole milk [you can use 2% if you're a candy ass/watching your figure]
- 2 c. heavy cream [or half and half]
- 1/2 tbsp. vanilla extract [I used Mexican vanilla because it's AWESOME and THE BEST]
1. Whisk together the cocoa, sugars and salt. Add the milk slowly while continuously whisking until everything dissolves. Whisk in the cream and vanilla. Taste several times.
2. Once all that nonsense is done, store what’s left of the base in the fridge for at least two hours, but preferably overnight. STOP SNEAKING BACK INTO THE FRIDGE FOR MORE TASTES.
(adapted from Picky Palate)
- 1 stick butter, partially melted
- 2 tbsp. vegetable oil
- 1 1/2 c. sugar [I used about 3/4 c.]
- 2 large eggs
- 1 tsp. vanilla extract
- 1/2 c. flour
- 1 c. cocoa powder
- 1/4 tsp. salt
- 1 tsp. baking powder
- 1 c. semisweet chocolate chips [I used about 1/2 c.]
1. Preheat oven to 325 degrees. Lube up an 8×11 inch baking dish with cooking spray. Or use parchment paper. I don’t give a shit; I’m not the one who has to do your dishes afterward.
2. Place butter into a large bowl; microwave for about 40 seconds or until partially melted. Add sugar and oil. Stir in eggs and vanilla.
3. Add flour, cocoa powder, salt, baking powder and chocolate chips. Stir until it looks like brownie batter.
4. Eat about half the batter. Put the rest into your baking dish, spread it out, yadda yadda yadda.
5. Bake for 35-40 minutes, until baked through. Remove and let cool completely. Cut about half the brownies into small, bite-size pieces. Eat the other half. Lift Store tiny pieces in fridge. STOP EATING THEM, YOU’RE NOT GOING TO HAVE ANY LEFT FOR THE ICE CREAM.
Making the Ice Cream
1. About an hour before you want to make the ice cream, put the container you plan to use to store the ice cream in the freezer. About 30 minutes before you want to make your ice cream, put the base in the freezer.
2. Make the ice cream according to the manufacturer’s instructions. When the ice cream begins to look thick and like it’s almost done, add in the brownie pieces a couple at a time. Keep an eye on the mix; don’t oversaturate the ice cream base with brownie. It should be three parts ice cream, one part brownie. (Unless you’re a rebel. Then go bananas and ADD ALL THE BROWNIES!)
3. When the ice cream is done, take the chilled container our of the freezer, quickly dump all that goodness in there (liberally tasting along the way), and pop it in the freezer for a few hours to harden.
4. Congratulations, you’ve made the menstrual equivalent of crack.